Thursday, March 16, 2017

Another Crazy Church Dream

I just woke up from another crazy church dream. This one was set some 20 years in the future.

With government backing, a hostile group of LGBTQ Feminists had taken over the Mary altar at Mariners' Church, and had decided to conduct their "services" at exactly the same time as our 11:00 am Holy Communion service. In the event, their congregation turned out to be all middle-aged women (that is, younger than myself), with hair hacked clumsily off at the neck, and screeching loudly so that our prayers could not be heard. As a break from the screeching and howling, they sometimes broke into the cadence of a Leftist style protest chant (e.g., "Stuff your old, tired Litur-gee; give us sweet cacopho-nee!").

The first instinct of the faithful was to have our organist give them a long blast of Buxtehude from our mighty Pilzecker organ. And, indeed, this did appear be efficacious: they could be seen fleeing the premises in terror, thumbs firmly over their ears.
But they returned the following Sunday with a court injunction from a federal judge, prohibiting us from using the organ during their "services." So that morning was nothing but screeching and howling again.

So, I thought and thought was to do, and back at home I made notes for a Collect prayer to be composed for them to find mysteriously on the side altar and hopefully (with unintended consequences) to be read by them. This is the prayer which I composed:

"O Almighty Parent, we come proudly before thee, beseeching that thou wouldest be pleased to rid this place of all falsehood. Judge between us and our foes. May the teeth be broken out of the mouths of the wicked, and every lying tongue silenced. May the marzipan and herbal tea offered at this altar be a constant reminder of thy vaunted and cunning Social Justice, by which all disquietude is put forcibly to rest. Amen"

Then I went to Fedex-Kinko's to get it printed in a swooping and effusively non-binary font, in all the colors of God's rainbow. Then, I had it laminated for good measure and set it upon the Mary altar for them to discover.

Sadly, the dream ended there, and so I do not know if my plan worked or not.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Glitter Ash Wednesday?

This is about the most theologically corrupt thing I've ever seen.

"Ashes are a reminder that we're all gonna die.   You put glitter in there, and suddenly you're witnessing to hope that is gritty and real!"


We ARE all going to die.  That's KIND OF THE POINT of Ash Wednesday.

Secondly, your hope is supposed to come from the Gospel, and specifically the passion, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ.  If your hope comes from glitter, it is no hope at all.