Friday, August 25, 2017

Rules For My Son

A lot of my social media friends have been posting this list of "Rules For My Son" compiled by someone named Aaron Conrad.  As he notes in the post, he compiled them from here.

Although I agree with some of the sentiments expressed, I thought I would take a few moments to craft a list more in keeping with my own fatherhood style.  Here they are:

1. Be humble.

2. Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.     (Proverbs 27:2)

3. Enter a pool any damn way you please. Only those insecure in their manhood worry    about such things.

4. Stand in the presence of the aged. (Leviticus 19:32)

5. Never be afraid to ask out the smartest girl in the room.

6. Carry 3 handkerchiefs, especially in allergy season.

7. Inconvenience yourself before others.

8. The right word, at the right time, is worth 1000 sport coats.

9. Don’t waste time debating what is adiaphorous.

10. Admit it when you are wrong.

11. Cover an offense. (Proverbs 17:9)

12. Why not rather be wronged? (1 Corinthians 6:7)

13. Music on the beach is amazingly cool (e.g. Dick Dale in “Muscle Beach Party”).

14. Only weak men fear strong women.

15. Never lose your sense of humor.

16. Merge early.

17. Forsake electronic games – learn to weld instead.

18. The borrower is slave to the lender. (Proverbs 22:7)

19. Be a creator of things more than a consumer of entertainments.

20. Be careful with a fool (Johnny Winter). Go from the presence of a foolish man, when   thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge (Proverbs 14:7)

21. Sometimes “nothing” is a real cool hand.

22. Do the onerous job first, then the more pleasant tasks.

23. Find out what mindless men do, then avoid these things.

24. Love driving as much as Jim Hurtubise.

25. Don’t fear risk; manage it.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Another Crazy Church Dream

I just woke up from another crazy church dream. This one was set some 20 years in the future.

With government backing, a hostile group of LGBTQ Feminists had taken over the Mary altar at Mariners' Church, and had decided to conduct their "services" at exactly the same time as our 11:00 am Holy Communion service. In the event, their congregation turned out to be all middle-aged women (that is, younger than myself), with hair hacked clumsily off at the neck, and screeching loudly so that our prayers could not be heard. As a break from the screeching and howling, they sometimes broke into the cadence of a Leftist style protest chant (e.g., "Stuff your old, tired Litur-gee; give us sweet cacopho-nee!").

The first instinct of the faithful was to have our organist give them a long blast of Buxtehude from our mighty Pilzecker organ. And, indeed, this did appear be efficacious: they could be seen fleeing the premises in terror, thumbs firmly over their ears.
But they returned the following Sunday with a court injunction from a federal judge, prohibiting us from using the organ during their "services." So that morning was nothing but screeching and howling again.

So, I thought and thought was to do, and back at home I made notes for a Collect prayer to be composed for them to find mysteriously on the side altar and hopefully (with unintended consequences) to be read by them. This is the prayer which I composed:

"O Almighty Parent, we come proudly before thee, beseeching that thou wouldest be pleased to rid this place of all falsehood. Judge between us and our foes. May the teeth be broken out of the mouths of the wicked, and every lying tongue silenced. May the marzipan and herbal tea offered at this altar be a constant reminder of thy vaunted and cunning Social Justice, by which all disquietude is put forcibly to rest. Amen"

Then I went to Fedex-Kinko's to get it printed in a swooping and effusively non-binary font, in all the colors of God's rainbow. Then, I had it laminated for good measure and set it upon the Mary altar for them to discover.

Sadly, the dream ended there, and so I do not know if my plan worked or not.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Glitter Ash Wednesday?

This is about the most theologically corrupt thing I've ever seen.

"Ashes are a reminder that we're all gonna die.   You put glitter in there, and suddenly you're witnessing to hope that is gritty and real!"


We ARE all going to die.  That's KIND OF THE POINT of Ash Wednesday.

Secondly, your hope is supposed to come from the Gospel, and specifically the passion, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ.  If your hope comes from glitter, it is no hope at all.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

(Fit) Girl at the Mirror - My Norman Rockwell Tribute Painting

I had the idea for this painting about 3 years back.  I wanted to base it as closely (in a visual sense) as possible on Norman Rockwell's famous "Girl at the Mirror" painting.  I was able to learn the dimensions of the Rockwell original, and I stretched my own canvas over stretchers of that same size.


Norman Rockwell - Girl at the Mirror (1954)

Various people find different meanings in the Rockwell original, but I think at its root, it is about the inevitable move away from the trappings of childhood (cf, 1 Corinthians 13:11) toward the beginnings of adulthood.  It is about blossoming.  But it is also about the doubts that can accompany such a metamorphosis.

In Rockwell's painting, the girl (depicted by his young model Mary Whalen Leonard) shows a good bit of skepticism in this regard, perhaps intimidated by the visage of movie actress Jane Russell staring up at her from a magazine page.

My idea was to show a young woman (older than Rockwell's girl) on the brink of transforming her body to the next level, probably in anticipation of competing in physique competitions.  In place of the discarded doll of Rockwell's painting are the pink 2-pound dumbbells with which she started her bodybuilding journey.  They have been displaced by a more massive dumbbell and the ubiquitous 1-gallon water jug of the serious bodybuilder.


Paul Erlandson - Fit Girl at the Mirror (2017)

Prints of this painting will be available very soon for purchase.

Slot Car Racing Song!!

From Australia comes this fine musical tribute to one of the greatest hobbies ever:  slot car racing!