Friday, August 25, 2017

Rules For My Son

A lot of my social media friends have been posting this list of "Rules For My Son" compiled by someone named Aaron Conrad.  As he notes in the post, he compiled them from here.

Although I agree with some of the sentiments expressed, I thought I would take a few moments to craft a list more in keeping with my own fatherhood style.  Here they are:

1. Be humble.

2. Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.     (Proverbs 27:2)

3. Enter a pool any damn way you please. Only those insecure in their manhood worry    about such things.

4. Stand in the presence of the aged. (Leviticus 19:32)

5. Never be afraid to ask out the smartest girl in the room.

6. Carry 3 handkerchiefs, especially in allergy season.

7. Inconvenience yourself before others.

8. The right word, at the right time, is worth 1000 sport coats.

9. Don’t waste time debating what is adiaphorous.

10. Admit it when you are wrong.

11. Cover an offense. (Proverbs 17:9)

12. Why not rather be wronged? (1 Corinthians 6:7)

13. Music on the beach is amazingly cool (e.g. Dick Dale in “Muscle Beach Party”).

14. Only weak men fear strong women.

15. Never lose your sense of humor.

16. Merge early.

17. Forsake electronic games – learn to weld instead.

18. The borrower is slave to the lender. (Proverbs 22:7)

19. Be a creator of things more than a consumer of entertainments.

20. Be careful with a fool (Johnny Winter). Go from the presence of a foolish man, when   thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge (Proverbs 14:7)

21. Sometimes “nothing” is a real cool hand.

22. Do the onerous job first, then the more pleasant tasks.

23. Find out what mindless men do, then avoid these things.

24. Love driving as much as Jim Hurtubise.

25. Don’t fear risk; manage it.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Another Crazy Church Dream

I just woke up from another crazy church dream. This one was set some 20 years in the future.

With government backing, a hostile group of LGBTQ Feminists had taken over the Mary altar at Mariners' Church, and had decided to conduct their "services" at exactly the same time as our 11:00 am Holy Communion service. In the event, their congregation turned out to be all middle-aged women (that is, younger than myself), with hair hacked clumsily off at the neck, and screeching loudly so that our prayers could not be heard. As a break from the screeching and howling, they sometimes broke into the cadence of a Leftist style protest chant (e.g., "Stuff your old, tired Litur-gee; give us sweet cacopho-nee!").

The first instinct of the faithful was to have our organist give them a long blast of Buxtehude from our mighty Pilzecker organ. And, indeed, this did appear be efficacious: they could be seen fleeing the premises in terror, thumbs firmly over their ears.
But they returned the following Sunday with a court injunction from a federal judge, prohibiting us from using the organ during their "services." So that morning was nothing but screeching and howling again.

So, I thought and thought was to do, and back at home I made notes for a Collect prayer to be composed for them to find mysteriously on the side altar and hopefully (with unintended consequences) to be read by them. This is the prayer which I composed:

"O Almighty Parent, we come proudly before thee, beseeching that thou wouldest be pleased to rid this place of all falsehood. Judge between us and our foes. May the teeth be broken out of the mouths of the wicked, and every lying tongue silenced. May the marzipan and herbal tea offered at this altar be a constant reminder of thy vaunted and cunning Social Justice, by which all disquietude is put forcibly to rest. Amen"

Then I went to Fedex-Kinko's to get it printed in a swooping and effusively non-binary font, in all the colors of God's rainbow. Then, I had it laminated for good measure and set it upon the Mary altar for them to discover.

Sadly, the dream ended there, and so I do not know if my plan worked or not.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Glitter Ash Wednesday?

This is about the most theologically corrupt thing I've ever seen.

"Ashes are a reminder that we're all gonna die.   You put glitter in there, and suddenly you're witnessing to hope that is gritty and real!"


We ARE all going to die.  That's KIND OF THE POINT of Ash Wednesday.

Secondly, your hope is supposed to come from the Gospel, and specifically the passion, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ.  If your hope comes from glitter, it is no hope at all.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

(Fit) Girl at the Mirror - My Norman Rockwell Tribute Painting

I had the idea for this painting about 3 years back.  I wanted to base it as closely (in a visual sense) as possible on Norman Rockwell's famous "Girl at the Mirror" painting.  I was able to learn the dimensions of the Rockwell original, and I stretched my own canvas over stretchers of that same size.


Norman Rockwell - Girl at the Mirror (1954)

Various people find different meanings in the Rockwell original, but I think at its root, it is about the inevitable move away from the trappings of childhood (cf, 1 Corinthians 13:11) toward the beginnings of adulthood.  It is about blossoming.  But it is also about the doubts that can accompany such a metamorphosis.

In Rockwell's painting, the girl (depicted by his young model Mary Whalen Leonard) shows a good bit of skepticism in this regard, perhaps intimidated by the visage of movie actress Jane Russell staring up at her from a magazine page.

My idea was to show a young woman (older than Rockwell's girl) on the brink of transforming her body to the next level, probably in anticipation of competing in physique competitions.  In place of the discarded doll of Rockwell's painting are the pink 2-pound dumbbells with which she started her bodybuilding journey.  They have been displaced by a more massive dumbbell and the ubiquitous 1-gallon water jug of the serious bodybuilder.


Paul Erlandson - Fit Girl at the Mirror (2017)

Prints of this painting will be available very soon for purchase.

Slot Car Racing Song!!

From Australia comes this fine musical tribute to one of the greatest hobbies ever:  slot car racing!

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Colin Kaepernick and the National Anthem

By now, nearly everyone on social media has had time to react to Colin Kaepernick's decision not to stand for the National Anthem at an NFL pre-season game on Friday, August 26.  Many of them have expressed an opinion on his action (and explanatory words), often using pictorial memes created by others.

But I believe that this subject has too many nuances to be captured by any meme, nearly all of which are of the "Hooray for our side!" variety.  So let me use this space to explain what I think is right and wrong about Kaepernick's words and actions.

Before I get into that, however, let me make one disclaimer:  I pretty much loathe the song that is our National Anthem.  Musically, it is a mess.  Perhaps "abomination" is not too strong a word.  At any rate, it requires a vocal range that prohibits most American citizens from singing it decently without awkwardly switching octaves mid-song.  This article explains the inherent pro-slavery views of the lyrics of The Star Spangled Banner.  In fact, the only verse I like is the one we sing in our Anglican church on patriotic holidays:

O thus be it ever when freemen shall stand
Between their lov’d home and the war’s desolation! 
Blest with vict’ry and peace may the heav’n rescued land 
Praise the power that hath made and preserv’d us a nation! 
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just, 
And this be our motto - “In God is our trust,”  
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave 
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Even that, however, has the kind of vision of America as God's chosen country that was dealt with (negatively) in Bob Dylan's song, "With God On Our Side."  So, I have no love for this song.  The reason I stand and sing it is because it represents the country I love, and that is the only reason.  I've often been public in recommending that we accept as our National Anthem the song which is sometimes referred to as "the black national anthem":  Lift Every Voice and Sing.

The third verse is especially poignant, and extremely timely for us at this juncture in our national history:

"God of our weary years,God of our silent tears, 
Thou who hast brought us thus far on the way; 
Thou who has by Thy mightLed us into the light, 
Keep us forever in the path, we pray. 
Lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met Thee, 
Lest our hearts, drunk with the wine of the world, we forgot Thee, 
Shadowed beneath Thy hand, may we forever stand, 
True to our God, true to our native land."

Every Christian, perhaps every theist, should rejoice if my recommended national anthem change were implemented.  For "Lift Every Voice" is infinitely more spiritual than the Star Spangled Banner.  It doesn't use God, as our current national anthem does, as merely an insurer of our national victories.  It pictures Him as a being infinitely above our nation and all others, a Being we should be most afraid of offending.   

But I will bet you that if this became our new National Anthem, many of my white friends would not stand for it; they'd remain seated as Kaepernick has pledged to do for our current national song.  And they would fancy themselves heroic, or at least righteous for doing so.

But what of Colin Kaepernick and his choice to remain seated?  Much depends upon why he did it, and what his proposed remedy for the situation is.  As to the first, here are his own words:
"I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color," Kaepernick told NFL Media in an exclusive interview after the game. "To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder."
The point has been made by many that as someone who is extremely wealthy because of the American system, and has someone who has clearly NOT been oppressed himself, Kaepernick has no right to speak up.  But I don't find this argument valid.  Those who are given strength and a voice are right to speak up on behalf of the oppressed.  Sometimes it falls to you, as a person of power and influence, to speak up and say that we cannot treat things (as they currently stand) as "business as usual."

A stronger argument against Kaepernick's words is that he is simply factually incorrect about America.  There is less systemic oppression of black people and people of color than perhaps in any other society ever.    Allen West makes that point very cogently in this article.
Mr. Kaepernick, a biracial young man adopted and raised by white parents, claims America is oppressing blacks at a time when we have a black, biracial president who was twice elected. We’ve had two black attorneys general and currently have a black secretary of homeland security, along with a black national security advisor. Here in Dallas our police chief, whom I know, is an outstanding black leader. The officer in Milwaukee who shot the armed assailant after issuing an order to drop his weapon was black. Is Mr. Kaepernick following suit and cherry-picking what he terms “oppression?”
But, for purposes of argument, let us hypothetically concede that Kaepernick is factually correct about America.  If that is what he believes, is he duty-bound to remain silent?  I think not.  Some critics have suggested that Kaepernick and all other Americans should adopt a "My country, wrong or right" attitude.  But I disagree.  G. K. Chesterton weighs in on this notion:
“My country, right or wrong,” is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, “My mother, drunk or sober.”
So, a true patriot can (or, rather, "must") protest his own country when she is in error.  But the true patriot does this in love.  Just as one would work towards the sobriety of his own mother, in love, so the true patriot works toward the reformation of his country in love.

The question now becomes:  "Is Colin Kaepernick that kind of man or not?"

He doesn't leave us wondering very long about this.  It is right there in the t-shirt he chose to wear to his post-game press conference.  It features Fidel Castro, oppressor extraordinaire, and enemy of everything American.  This, and not the act of remaining seated during our very flawed national anthem, is the true offense.  To suggest (and his shirt does suggest this, let's not pretend otherwise) that the philosophy of Fidel Castro, the brutally oppressive dictator of Cuba, is somehow an answer to what is wrong with America ... shows that Kaepernick is not trying to correct America as his beloved mother.  Rather, he is on the side of those wishing her eternally destroyed.  To endorse a socialist dictator while earning many millions of dollars thanks to America's capitalist system ... well, that is the worst and most blatant sort of hypocrisy imaginable.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Social Media and the Tyranny of the Exceptional

I spend a lot of time on Facebook, some on Instagram, and a bit on Snapchat.  Particularly on Facebook, there is some tendency toward the publication of The Exceptional.  Exceptional (a.k.a, "newsworthy") events are favored by many:  a terrorist attack takes place in Europe, a politician says something horrible, an athlete accomplishes an incredible feat, a dog rescues a homeless person, the world will end next year due to (take your pick:  GMO food, chemtrails, global climate change, or fluorinated water).  We gravitate, some of us, to the very, very good or else the very, very bad.

But I love it when people chronicle the mundane aspects of their daily lives.  My friend in Pennsylvania had a cup of coffee at his favorite diner.  My friend in Houston smoked a cigar.  A lady from Michigan attended her child's sporting event.  A bodybuilding competitor photographed her breakfast.  A friend from North Carolina has the Cutest Grandson Ever.  Another fellow from Pennsylvania posts a photo of his beloved dog.  A woman in Maryland gives an update on her garden.  A couple in Texas show a new kind of beer they sampled.  A kid from Michigan posts a cool car he saw on the street.

I have seen many Facebook posts to the effect of:  "Nobody wants to hear about your workout!  Nobody wants to see what you ate for breakfast!"

But, I do.  I want to see your pets, your kids, your pool party, your vacation photos, your anniversary flashback photos, your gym selfies, your cute pics of your kids and grandkids, and especially your food!  In a world tyrannized by The Exceptional, I would like to see The Normal. Maybe it is old age catching up with me, but it comforts me to be reminded that not everything happens on the fringes, the extremes of life.

Give me a cornucopia of the common, a plethora of the plebeian, an abundance of the average, a multitude of the mundane, an ululation of the unexceptional, a surfeit of the simple, and an overplus of the ordinary.